Connecting with distant relatives is one of the main things that draws a person to genealogy. Whether it dont know much about your roots, or are hoping to find a distant cousin, messaging within the Ancestry (and on other platforms too) allows you to connect with people who may have the answers to your questions. The main challenge is garnering a response.
Before I get into some tips on how to increase the odds of somebody answering your message, I want to say this:
Dont be the a**hole that leaves somebody on 'Read'.
What do I mean by this? As part of a recent update, Ancestry implemented this handy feature called 'read receipts' which allows users to see the status of their message. When the message is successfully sent, it will have the word 'delivered' and a time at the bottom of the text bubble. (Kind of like on imessage). When the message has been read, 'delivered' changes to 'read' and the time is updated. So what does this mean for the user that has been messaged? It means that if you knowingly choose to not answer somebody's message, they will know and they will be able to tell the exact time that you opened it. This can expose just how active you are on your account. For example, I sent a message to a woman the other night and she promptly opened the message then proceeded to not answer me. This told me that her account was still very much active and that her lack of response was a conscious decision. What should you do if you dont want to connect with somebody? First off dont state that you want to in your bio (this happens more than you would think!). Secondly, if you receive a message but you dont have the answers, simply reply back with "I'm sorry. I dont have the answers to your questions". This acknowledges the time they took to send you a message and keeps you from being the jerk that left them on 'read'.
1. Does your message sound creepy/stalkerish
This is the big one (especially if you are not messaging through a genealogy website)! When I was about 16 I got a message from a man through Facebook and it scared the crap out of me. Looking back I wish I saved the message to use it as an example of what not to do because that message got way too personal way too quickly. I honestly dont even remember if I read the entire message. He started by calling me by my ancestry user name, then proceeded to list off several generations of my ancestors. As a 16 year old, this freaked me out enough to stop reading, promptly block him, and delete the message.
The best way to avoid sending one of these terrifying messages is to:
- Stick to the genealogy platforms whenever possible
- Dont launch into a paragraph stating everything you know about the person that you are messaging (their real name, where they live, reference to how old they are, names of their family members, etc.)
- Not send anymore messages if you dont get a response.
2. Introduce yourself
Let the person know who you are and why you are contacting them. This provides them with some information about why you are asking the question as well as lets them get to know a bit about you/how your potentially related. Normally I use something along the lines of:
Hello,
My name is ____ and I live in ___. I am the [relationship] of ___. I was hoping that you may be able to help me answer a few questions. [Insert one or two clearly defined questions].
Note that it may also be beneficial to include a maiden name of you or your ancestor (if applicable).
3. Give information before asking questions
This is a big one. It is unlikely that somebody is going to be willing to help you if you send them a laundry list of questions that you want answered. This requires them to do a lot of work. By offering up what you already know, you help establish credibility with them. They can tell that you have done some work ahead of time. If you have relevant documents (for example a handwritten letter), this is the place to offer sharing it. Offering to share information significantly increases the odds of a response.
Note that sending links or downloadable files is generally a red flag for the recipient. If you want to share text from a specific document, considering doing this by sending a screenshot that doesnt have to download.
4. Ask a specific research questions.
As I mentioned above, a laundry list of questions will be a direct turn off. Keep the questions short and focused. Sending a single questions asking for everything that person knows about an ancestor is just as bad as asking a million smaller questions. Approach writing this question the same way that you would write your own research question.
5. Thank them
Regardless of if they are going to respond or not, thank them for reading your message and for any help they may be able to provide.
6. Try and keep the message brief
Nobody wants to read a novel. Try and contain your message to a few short paragraphs at the most. My rule is that it shouldnt take me more than 2 minutes to read my message back. This time limit can vary, just be conscious that longer messages likely wont be read in their entirety (if at all).
7. Check their account activity
If you have sent a message and not received a response or a read receipt, you probably should check how active their account is. This is one of the first things I looks at before I send a message. On Ancestry, you can usually see the last time that the account was active. If its been several months (or years!), the odds are that the person wont respond. If your doing DNA based research, be aware that there a numerous 'DNA tourists' who make an account to simply get their results then never use it again. The best way to identify one of these accounts is by checking the number of people in their tree and compare that to how long ago the account was created.
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